Fix Toxic Parenting: 7 Steps to Heal and Reconnect with Your Child

Have you ever found yourself gaslighting or belittling your child? If so, it's time to fix toxic parenting and build healthy parent-child relationships. Learn to recognize and prevent toxicity and verbal abuse, and set boundaries with seven proven strategies from the best family books and expert guides.

With Headway's summaries of 'The Myth of Normal' by Gabor Maté and Lisa M. Ross, 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, and more, you can gain parenting advice from mental health professionals and family psychologists whenever needed. Here, you'll find seven tips to break free from toxic behaviors in your family and foster close relationships with your kids.

Quick tips to stop being a toxic parent:

• Acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions.

• Set clear and healthy boundaries for both you and your child.

• Prioritize self-care to stay emotionally available and supportive.

• Model emotional intelligence by recognizing and managing your emotions.

• Practice mindfulness and meditation to keep calm and centered during stressful moments.

Keep reading for more hacks to improve your parenting style!

How to fix toxic parenting: Seven proven techniques

Toxic parenting involves behaviors that negatively impact a child's emotional and psychological growth, including emotional manipulation, lack of boundaries, and neglect.

Fixing toxic parenting means prioritizing your child's wellness and emotional needs. When you acknowledge your toxic behaviors, set healthy boundaries, and take care of yourself, you become a more supportive parent.

Seeking professional help and reading literature on the topic can enhance these strategies and help you improve your child's sense of self. Here's your step-by-step guide to achieve this.

1. Acknowledge and accept your responsibility

We all make mistakes. But any personal change starts with your ability to admit it. This mindset helps you consider how your actions impact your kids and strive to make positive changes.

In Susan Forward and Craig Buck's book 'Toxic Parents,' the authors show how childhood trauma and family dynamics shape parenting behaviors. Acknowledging these influences is a decisive first step toward healing and changing toxic patterns:

"One of the most effective ways of breaking the cycle is to make the commitment to be more emotionally available to your children than your parents were to you."

How to use it in your parenting: Write down three patterns in your parenting that you wish to change. Think about your childhood and see if your parents acted in any of these ways. You'll know why you act the way you do and start making better choices.

Key lessons to remember:

• Self-awareness is the first step in healing from negative patterns. Parents can take proactive steps toward breaking the cycle by identifying the toxic behaviors passed down from previous generations.

• Empathy toward your emotional wounds enables you to address your child's needs more effectively.

2. Set healthy boundaries within a family

Clear limits promote your personal growth and overcome codependency between family members. They can improve your mental health and teach your children to set boundaries and maintain healthy ties.

'The Whole-Brain Child' by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson reminds us to limit contact with those who do not respect these boundaries as a form of stress relief.

Healthy boundaries help children feel safe while also allowing them the freedom to grow and make decisions.

How to use it in your parenting: Create a set of clear and consistent rules for your home (like, "No TV after 10 pm"), but also allow room for open-ended conversations.

For instance, if your child is not following the rules, guide them through understanding the reasons behind the boundaries and how to respect them rather than just reprimanding them.

Key lessons to remember:

• Setting limits helps kids feel safe and teaches them how to control their feelings.

• Boundaries show kids what happens because of their choices, not to punish them.

3. Practice self-care

Self-care activities boost your emotional resilience and overall well-being. Prioritizing your needs and having a support system as a primary caregiver are key aspects of self-care.

When you look after your own health and feelings, you feel less stressed and happier. This helps you be a better and more caring parent, which is beneficial for both you and your children.

In 'The Body Keeps The Score,' Bessel Van Der Kolk stresses the importance of self-care for parents who may be struggling with unresolved trauma.

Practicing self-care not only helps you heal but enables you to be more present and emotionally available for your children:

"The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage."

How to use it in your parenting: Dedicate 10–15 minutes daily to self-care. This could involve deep breathing exercises, taking a walk, or engaging in a hobby. Use this time to recharge so you can show up as your best self for your family.

Key lessons to remember:

• Taking care of yourself is essential for feeling less stressed and hurt.

• Recovering from emotional pain helps you have a healthier relationship with your child.

4. Build emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) means being able to notice and understand your own feelings and also the feelings of others.

For parents, this means paying attention to what their child feels, being kind and understanding, and showing how to express emotions in a healthy way.

How to use it in your parenting: Observe how your child reacts in various emotional situations. Try to label their emotions (like, "It looks like you're feeling frustrated"). Use these moments as opportunities to model emotional intelligence by naming your emotions and discussing them openly.

Key lessons to remember:

• Emotional intelligence occurs in a calm and supportive environment.

• Keeping things simple around you helps you understand and feel your emotions better.

5. Develop mindfulness through meditation

Deep breathing exercises and meditation help you pause before reacting. These emotional tactics improve emotional regulation in stressful situations.

In 'The Myth of Normal,' Maté discusses the importance of mindfulness in understanding the emotional responses triggered by stress and trauma.

The author explains how mindfulness can help you process difficult emotions and create healthier parenting habits:

"With the heart as a guide and the mind as a willing and curious partner, we follow whatever path most resonates with that call."

How to use it in your parenting: Practice mindfulness with your child by engaging in a 5-minute meditation together. Sit in a quiet space and focus on your breath. Encourage your child to notice their breathing and emotions. This practice can foster emotional regulation and calmness in stressful situations.

Key lessons to remember:

• Mindfulness helps both parents and children process emotions in a healthier way, leading to improved emotional regulation.

• Practicing mindfulness together enhances the emotional bond between parent and child.

6. Improve your communication skills

Effective communication is crucial for building healthy relationships with your children. And often, it goes beyond saying some beautiful word to your daughter or son.

You need to learn how to express your emotions constructively, listen without judgment, and engage in meaningful conversations with your child.

This is exactly what Joyce Meyer teaches in his book 'Battlefield of the Mind for Kids.' The guide shows children how to control their thoughts and emotions through positive thinking and effective communication.

In the context of parenting, Meyer's advice can be used to develop healthier communication habits between you and your child.

How to use it in your parenting: Use the technique of "reframing" when communicating with your child. For example, if your child says, "I'm not good at this," you can help them think in a better way: "It might be hard right now, but every time you try, you get better."

Key lessons to remember:

• The words you say as a parent can affect how your child feels about themselves and the world.

• Changing negative thoughts into positive ones helps children feel happier and talk better.

7. Use journaling for self-reflection

Journaling is a great tool for self-reflection and personal growth. It allows parents to reflect on their own actions, understand their emotional responses, and track progress in their parenting journey.

How to use it in your parenting: Set aside time each evening to reflect on the day's parenting experiences. Write about what went well and what you could improve.

For example, "Today, I stayed calm when my child was upset, but I need to be clearer with the rules." This helps you learn from what happens and get better.

Key lessons to remember:

• Self-reflection allows you to grow and adapt, improving your parenting skills over time.

• Journaling habit cultivates awareness of your actions and their impact, which is crucial for long-term personal growth.

What is toxic parenting?

Toxic parenting is when parents act in ways that hurt their kids, like being too bossy, mean, or ignoring their feelings. This can make kids feel bad and tired inside.

Such behaviors often manifest as constant criticism and a lack of boundaries, leaving children feeling emotionally drained.

Toxic parents can be emotionally abusive. They often start arguments through a guilt trip, ignoring their child's emotional needs and focusing on their own needs instead.

A narcissistic parent can intensify these challenges by hurting their kids physically and threatening their emotional well-being. 

Physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, and sexual abuse are typical examples of unhealthy behaviors in a toxic relationship.

Sometimes, they may even hurt kids physically, making them feel scared and threatening their emotional well-being.

Physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, and sexual abuse are common examples of unhealthy behaviors in a toxic relationship.

Children of toxic parents often feel unsure of themselves and want approval all the time. As they grow up, this can cause sadness, worry, and trouble with friends or family.

It happens because toxic environments lead to insecurities and a need for validation due to the emotional neglect a child experiences. 

This emotional harm makes it hard for them to recognize healthy relationships and often causes anxiety and depression, especially among adult children.

What makes you a toxic parent? Root causes and consequences

Toxic parenting often comes from parents' problems or past hurts. These issues force them to act in harmful ways and push their kids to act the same way when they grow up. Knowing why this happens is essential to break the cycle and heal.

Three major causes of toxic parenting

The leading causes of toxic parenting behaviors are:

• Unresolved trauma

Unresolved trauma, whether from childhood, previous relationships, or other life experiences, can significantly shape a parent's behavior.

When parents have not addressed their trauma, it often manifests in unhealthy, damaging ways toward their children, turning them into toxic people. 

For example, a parent who experienced neglect or abuse as a child may struggle with emotional regulation and project their unresolved pain onto their children.

They might exhibit emotional outbursts, neglectful behaviors, or overprotection stemming from their fears of mistreatment. 

• Generational patterns

Generational patterns are habits, beliefs, and ways of acting that get passed from parents to children. These include how parents raise their kids, the traditions they follow, and how they handle emotions.

Let's say a parent grew up in an authoritarian household (where strict rules, little emotional warmth, and high expectations were the norm). Eventually, they may adopt similar tactics when raising their children. 

• Cultural and societal influences

Culture and society influence how parents act, often encouraging specific ways of raising kids and what people expect from parents.

These influences come from what society thinks is normal, what we see in the media, and the traditions or rules of a culture about being a "good parent."

In many cultures, there is an emphasis on success and achievement, which can sometimes lead to toxic parenting behaviors like overemphasis on academic success or career achievement. 

For example, parents in a culture that prioritizes academic excellence might push their children to excel in school at the cost of their mental health, causing stress and anxiety. 

How toxic parenting affects your child

If left unattended, these issues can deeply affect a child's emotional and psychological development, leading to negative consequences:

• Insecurity: Children raised by emotionally inconsistent parents often grow up with a sense of insecurity.

• Anxiety: Children of toxic parents might experience heightened anxiety because they were never taught how to manage or express their emotions healthily.

• Unhealthy coping mechanisms: Because these children were never shown effective ways to manage their emotions, they may adopt unhealthy coping strategies, such as substance abuse, avoidance, or anger outbursts as they grow older. 

• Emotional stifling: When parents model behaviors where emotions are ignored, dismissed, or punished, children may learn to suppress their feelings.

• Fear of mistakes: Parents who demand perfection or have high, often unrealistic expectations may create a fear of failure in their children.

• Relationship struggles: As adults, children may struggle with trust issues, emotional vulnerability, or attachment anxiety, carrying the unresolved emotional burdens of their childhood. 

• Lack of self-esteem: Constant criticism from a toxic parent can lead to low self-esteem and a feeling of inadequacy.

Three signs of toxic parenting behaviors and how to recognize them

Recognizing toxic behaviors in yourself is a vital step toward change. Fear of conflict, a common outcome of toxic parenting, makes it difficult for children to engage in difficult conversations.

These experiences often result in struggles to establish healthy boundaries, as a child lacks privacy and autonomy.

The psychological effects of toxic parenting can be profound. Common signs of toxic behaviors in parenting include:

1. Emotional unavailability

Emotional unavailability occurs when a parent is physically present but unable or unwilling to connect with their child on an emotional level. 

How to recognize it:

• The parent dismisses or ignores the child's emotions, often telling them to "get over it" or "stop being dramatic."

• When a child is upset, the parent might not offer comfort or empathy, but instead make the child feel like their feelings don't matter.

• The parent may avoid emotional conversations altogether, leaving the child to deal with their feelings alone.

Suppose a girl is growing up with a father who is always physically present but emotionally distant. When she has a bad day at school, her father tells her to "toughen up" or ignores her feelings. This leaves her feelings invisible and unimportant. 

As an adult, she may struggle to form close relationships because she never learned how to connect emotionally with others. She finds it hard to share her feelings and often feels alone, even when she is around other people. This makes her feel bad about herself and makes it difficult for her to trust others.

2. Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is when a parent tells their child lies or says things didn't happen, even if they did. As a result, the child might stop trusting their own memories and feelings.

How to recognize it:

• The parent denies things they've said or done, even if the child clearly remembers them. For example, saying, "I never said that," or "You're making things up."

• When the child expresses hurt or confusion, the parent dismisses it with, "You're being too sensitive" or "It didn't happen like that."

• The child starts questioning their memory or feelings because the parent constantly invalidates them.

If a boy's mother frequently tells him he "imagines" things when he expresses his emotions, he may start to doubt his memories and perceptions.

As an adult, he can develop trust issues and often second-guess himself in relationships. This form of gaslighting makes him feel like he can't trust his mind.

3. Lack of boundaries

Bad parenting happens when parents don't give their kids enough personal space. This means they might not respect the child's privacy, ignore their feelings, or push them too much. When this happens, kids can feel like they have no control or that no one listens to them.

How to recognize it:

• The parent invades the child's privacy by reading their diary, going through their room, or checking their phone without permission.

• The parent demands too much from the child emotionally, expecting them to take on responsibilities beyond their age.

• The child feels like their personal space or feelings aren't respected, and they have no clear limits on what they can or cannot do.

Think of a teenage girl whose parents don't respect her privacy. They go into her room without asking and read her private journals. They say, "We just want to check you're not hiding anything," but this makes her feel sad and powerless.

Now, as an adult, she finds it hard to say "no" to people. She often takes on too many tasks at work or with friends because she doesn't want to disappoint anyone.

Addressing these behaviors requires intentionality and a willingness to change. Self-reflection and recognizing these self-centered patterns in your actions are essential steps in overcoming toxic parenting.

Improve your parenting style with Headway book summaries

Fixing toxic parenting isn't easy. For many parents, it's a constant battle between wanting to do better and overcoming generational trauma. But change is possible. With the right learning and self-development tools, you get actionable steps that can help you break free from toxic cycles, heal your relationship with your children, and raise them in a healthier environment. 

The insights from expert authors available in Headway's online library can provide valuable guidance on your journey. With concise book summaries of bestsellers like 'The Myth of Normal' by Gabor Maté and 'Battlefield of the Mind for Kids' by Joyce Meyer, you can quickly grasp key concepts related to toxic parenting and apply them to your life. 

Download the Headway app today and transform your parenting approach for the better. Your child deserves a supportive family, and with the proper knowledge and effort, you can make this a reality!