Being cheated normally feels devastating. It shakes your trust, creates confusion, and leads to relentless questions about what went wrong and who's at fault. As 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk illuminates, trauma lives not just in the mind but also in the body. Overthinking after infidelity is often tied to the body's physiological response to betrayal and stress. Recognizing this mind-body connection is critical to breaking free from the cycle of intrusive thoughts
This guide will help you better understand the essence of overthinking and find the way out after being cheated on. You'll explore trauma-informed and practical techniques to move forward, rebuild self-esteem, and regain peace.
What is infidelity?
Infidelity happens when one partner breaks the agreed boundaries of a relationship by engaging in emotional or physical connections with someone else. It's a breach of trust that causes deep pain to another.
Wrapping your mind around what infidelity means and how to move on after it happens will hopefully help you make sense of its impact. Knowing it's not your fault is essential to healing and maintaining your self-worth. Further, you'll gain a deeper insight into the reasons behind cheating.
Understanding overthinking after infidelity
Overthinking is your brain's way of protecting you from future pain. Replaying what happened and questioning your actions leading up to it is a natural attempt to regain a sense of control. However, when these thoughts become constant, they can interfere with your ability to heal and move forward. Plus, with all due respect to overthinking, it's simply a stress response in your body reflected in your mind.
The body-mind connection
Yes, overthinking isn't just mental — it's also a physiological response. When betrayal occurs, the body often enters a heightened state of stress. This fight-or-flight (sometimes freeze, too) response can cause physical symptoms like tension, rapid heartbeat, and shallow breathing, making it harder to let go of intrusive thoughts. Recognizing this connection can help you approach healing more holistically. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey highlight in What Happened to You that understanding how trauma rewires the brain and nervous system is key to fostering resilience—a concept particularly relevant when coping with the aftermath of infidelity. Betrayal is a form of relational trauma, and its impact goes beyond emotional pain, as it can deeply affect how your brain and body respond to stress. The overwhelming sense of shock, loss, and confusion that follows infidelity can send your nervous system into overdrive, perpetuating a cycle of overthinking and emotional distress.
Perry and Winfrey emphasize that healing begins with acknowledging these physiological impacts. After being cheated on, your brain may become hypervigilant, scanning for clues or patterns to prevent future betrayal. This hyper-awareness, though rooted in self-protection, can lead to persistent overthinking and difficulty letting go of intrusive thoughts. The authors explain that this state of heightened arousal can only be eased by creating a sense of safety within your body.
To foster resilience and begin to heal, it's crucial to address this mind-body connection.
Yet, we often overlook the opportunity to connect to our bodies and try to resolve it all in our heads, which is not where stress response actually happens! Here are some body-oriented techniques to help you snap out of your head and into the present moment.
Somatic technique to reduce overthinking after being cheated on
Grounding: Place your feet flat on the ground, close your eyes, and notice the sensations in your body. Focus on the support beneath you to feel anchored in the present moment.
Shaking (aka Wet Dog): Stand up comfortably. Keep your eyes open and relaxed. Begin shaking off your limbs, adjusting pace and intensity. Three to five minutes will help you regulate your nervous system's excess activation (exactly what reflects as overthinking in your mind)
Your body is always in the present moment. Focus on coming back to the present to break free from overthinking.
But does the pain caused by infidelity ever go away?
Yes, the hurting does eventually fade. While the memory may remain, intentional healing reduces the intensity of the emotions tied to it. Therapy, mindfulness, and self-compassion are tools that help you reclaim peace. The only permanence is change, as Buddhist philosophy suggests.
Why do people cheat? "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?
People cheat for many reasons, such as unmet emotional needs or personal insecurities. That is up for them to figure out — or for a couple's therapist, should they choose to take that path. One thing to remind yourself of, though: cheating has more to do with the cheater than with you. Remember, their actions are not a reflection of your value.
Plus, it's true that some individuals learn from their mistakes and grow, while others may repeat harmful behaviors. It's wiser to focus on actions and accountability rather than assumptions.
How does infidelity affect mental health?
Infidelity can lead to anxiety and depression and be a traumatic experience altogether. It might trigger earlier (childhood) wounds and, therefore, have a big impact on the sense of self and self-esteem, compromising the ability to trust others or feel safe in the world. Seeking therapy and practicing self-care based on self-knowledge are quite essential for recovery.
Getting to know your attachment style, for instance, and how it manifests in relationships is a helpful first step for self-exploration.
According to 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, your attachment style may influence how you cope. For example, anxious attachment can cause overanalyzing, while avoidant attachment may lead to shutting down emotions. Knowing these things allows you to understand, which will generate compassion. Self-compassion is often a skill to be acquired and practiced to heal relational wounds.
Nine techniques to stop overthinking after being cheated on
Stopping overthinking isn't about silencing your mind but redirecting the energy behind it. Here are effective techniques:
1. Try Progressive Muscle Relaxation.
Slowly tense and release different muscle groups, starting from your toes and moving upward. This practice helps release physical tension linked to overthinking.
It's super important that you break the loop of a stress response that is reflecting in your mind before engaging in any mental activities. Your mind will be much clearer if there is not as much activation in your system.
2. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises
Mindfulness helps you focus on the present instead of dwelling on the past. In 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle, staying present is a key to breaking free from the cycle of overthinking.
Try this breathing exercise:
Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on each inhale and exhale.
When your mind wanders, gently return your focus to your breath.
Practice self-compassion as you do this. Remind yourself that most modern humans have a monkey mind. The "monkey mind," a term from Buddhist teachings, describes the restless, chattering nature of our thoughts as they jump from one idea to another. This constant mental activity can feel overwhelming, stirring up worries, fears, and distractions. Understanding this tendency is the first step toward quieting the mind and cultivating mindfulness. Noticing when it happens and bringing your attention back are the keys to making this practice a habit.
3. Journal your thoughts
Writing down your feelings helps connect with and release emotional tension and gives you clarity. When you find yourself repeating the same thought loops - try re-engaging with your body, then use these prompts:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need to feel safe?
When do I feel most valued?
How can I provide myself with a feeling of safety and validation?
What lessons can I learn from this experience?
4. Engage in activities you love
Redirecting your energy toward hobbies or new interests helps shift your focus. Whether painting, hiking, or learning a skill, these activities bring joy and purpose back into your life. When you allow yourself to enjoy your own company, you'll notice more calm and positive thoughts popping into your head. As David R. Hawkins writes in 'Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender,' releasing painful thoughts creates space for positive change.
5. Use affirmations and self-compassion
Affirmations like "I am worthy of love" can help rebuild confidence. Pair them with actionable self-compassion, treating yourself like you would a close friend. In 'Rising Strong,' Brené Brown emphasizes that vulnerability and kindness to oneself are pathways to growth. And if you know where to start - return to your body. Practice giving yourself a comforting hug and notice how it reflects in your body. Did you know your psyche can not quite distinguish between other people's hugs and your own?
6. Try somatic anchoring
Physically anchoring yourself contributes to an internal sense of safety and presence. Given how the sense of safety gets jeopardized when cheating happens, do not overlook this step. Here is how you do it: place your hands on your heart or stomach and repeat affirmations like, "I am safe, and I am healing." This practice reinforces both mental and physical grounding.
7. Build a support system
You don't have to go through this alone. What a cliche thing to say! But it is true; we are so used to navigating things solo in our Western individualist society. Sharing your experiences with trusted friends, family, or support groups will help you feel less isolated. Consider these options:
Local support groups: DivorceCare or therapy groups
Online communities: Reddit's r/Infidelity or specialized Facebook groups
You might find yourself getting lost in the endless stream of information on the internet, so choose live support and use online space mainly for research purposes.
8. Somatic co-regulation
Support doesn't always have to come in words. Physical presence and shared activities with loved ones can help regulate your nervous system. For example, walking together in nature or practicing deep breathing side by side while holding hands will allow you to foster connection and calm. When you struggle to self-regulate (which overthinking is a sign of), co-regulation is imperative.
9. Seek professional help
Therapy provides a safe space to process your emotions. A therapist can help you understand your attachment style, manage overthinking, and rebuild trust. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for challenging negative thought patterns. Yet, for many with a history of trauma and attachment wounding, it's best to work with trauma-informed practitioners. Trauma-informed therapy may include somatic practices like SE (Somatic Experiencing), IFS (Internal Family Systems), and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to process stored trauma and heal the nervous system on deeper levels.
If you were to stay together
Healing after cheating can be a complex journey; it doesn't always lead to a breakup. What if you were to try couples therapy to navigate the trust issues that emerge in the aftermath of infidelity? Individual therapy plays a crucial role in personal growth, too, helping each partner address their emotional well-being and any underlying mental health issues. Combining both therapies yields the most optimal healing for each party.
Partners must set boundaries to protect their emotional health while learning to spend time with supportive family members and friends. Individuals can pave the way for new relationships built on a solid sense of self by focusing on healthy relationships and recognizing red flags in future partners.
Ultimately, the healing process may involve practicing self-care and recognizing that heartbreak can serve as a catalyst for greater personal insight and resilience, influencing what individuals seek from their future relationships.
Summary of the insights from transformative books
'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle
Focus on staying present to break free from overthinking. Tolle's techniques teach you to detach from unhelpful thoughts and find peace.
'Rising Strong' by Brené Brown
Learn how vulnerability and self-compassion can transform pain into strength. Brown provides tools for embracing challenges as opportunities for growth.
'Letting Go' by David R. Hawkins
Hawkins explains how releasing negative emotions helps you move forward. Letting go of resentment clears the path to inner peace.
'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Understanding attachment styles can help you rebuild trust and set healthier boundaries. This book offers practical guidance for healing relationships.
'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz
Ruiz's wisdom encourages personal freedom. Agreements like "Don't take anything personally" help you navigate life's challenges with resilience.
Start Your Healing Journey with Headway
Moving forward after challenges like infidelity can be a chance to grow and become stronger. Taking small steps, like writing down your feelings and letting them go, moving your body to release tension, or writing three things you're grateful for each day, can help you heal. Books like 'The Four Agreements' and 'Letting Go' offer great advice on how to build resilience and focus on personal growth, helping you create a more positive and fulfilling future.
The Headway app is a great tool to support your journey. It has summaries of inspiring books, practical tips, and ideas to help you set goals, take care of yourself, and build healthy habits. Whether you want to learn more about self-love, discover new ways to heal, or create lasting change, the app makes it simple to start. Download Headway today and take the first step toward healing and growth!
